on being 24.

i hated being 23 with a passion.

if i thought 17 was a year where it shaped me the most as a person, 23 is one that threw me to a whole mess that i would have to live with thereafter.

i lost my father, my uncle, my cousin, and v, in the span of 4 months. v didn't die in real life, he's just dead to me.

everyday, i had to accustom myself that they aren't here with me anymore. i have to constantly remind myself to not search for their presence anymore. and going through the pain of knowing over and over again.

i'm immune to people asking me what happened, it's no different than repeating my history with every doctor i've seen in the past prior to getting a psychiatrist to see me. but with every repeat, i've to keep relieving the memory of that frightful night. at this point i'm not sure if i'm used to it, or i'm just numbed.

my 23 is filled with countless and countless of regrets, things i wish i should've done, words i wished i didn't say. but nothing's worse than not being able to spend my father's last father's day and birthday. i beat myself up everyday for letting that stupid useless ego of mine to not forgive my father till his last moment. is this the part where when asked if i could time travel back into the past, and i say i will travel back to this period?

i'm afraid i've to end the post here. i'm in pain talking about this. i just hope it will be easier to be 24. 

and i miss my father.

phase 2

finally, i have the time to sit down and think and write.

previously, i wanted to sit down and type about the situation with circuit breaker. however, i lose my thought on that. then came new problems.

i have been staying at my friend's place for close to a week. reason was that i got chased out by my father. it's a series against the next, root of all problem is money, money, money.

m o n e y .

i had always painted my father in a relatively good light: a sacrificing family man.

it's without a doubt that he sacrifices a lot for this family. from when he's abled, to partially disabled. he has been sacrificing, and i'm eternally grateful for that.

however, there's always ying to yang.

i forgot the incident when i was 17 years old, i forgot the countless times he fought and called the police on my mother, i forgot how he was an addict even when im 16.

i forgot how good, yet flawed he is.

i forgot that they are humans of themselves before being a parent for me.

that being said, i was very taken aback with all the words my father spewed at me. i talked to a friend of mine regarding this incident and he said to me that people often says the nastiest things when they are in a rage of fury, and they don't mean what they say at that moment. 

so i left home, on his command.

day later, my sister came to me and told me what my mother said:

"reflect on what you said, and don't regret them."

people are so quick to fight when they are angry, and try to mend it up with "sorry" afterwards. if fights are so easily resolved with just an apology, this world would be filled with murderers.

however, my friend also said:

"no matter how hard it is, how wrong he is, forgive him."

i told him eventually, but not now. he needs to know the degree of damage his words did. i got very disgusted when my siblings told me that he wants me to go home. i'm just so very disgusted with how fast people change and turn against. why can't they stick to their narrative for a bit longer? it's hard for me to keep up and process this ever-changing narratives.

i'm still moving out at the end of the day, because that's what i've been planning all the while. part of me wants my father to suffer for his action, another part of me just can't be bothered at this point.

i'm just so tired. let me live/leave easily.

have you ever had this prolonged period of time where you're just completely down? you're so very sad, but the sadness wasn't enough to warrant any tears. you're always at the edge of completely have it or completely lose it. and you're just tiptoeing.

i'm tiptoeing, but it won't let me lose it. i just want to be done with it.

Another update you totally should not care

Hi. I will start off by saying it is a very depressing 2 months for me. Yes, "is", because it's still ongoing. There were some very major events happening in my life, that being: 

1. I lost my job

2. I lost a person whom I love very, very much

3. My mother still outwardly shows that she's biased against me

4. My uncle died

5. My friend changed into another person I don't know anymore

All these happened in the span of 2 months. I wasn't given the chance to properly digest everything, no breathing room for me at all. On top of battling with my own demons that's in my mind, I had to deal with the above 5. I was exhausted, tired, empty, so exhausted. There isn't a day I don't think about killing myself. I would very much love to die. I even had plans: drowning, overdosing, jumping off a building. Whatever ways you could think of, I think of doing it. I even started to think about writing my last words, and who to address it.

I'm exhausted beyond words. I remember my psychiatrist said that when there's down, there's always an up. And I asked, how down could it get? I feel like I'm at my rock bottom but things just prove me wrong. It could get even worse than before. I was given the choice to admit into IMH again due to my suicidal tendency. I would love to admit into the ward and be forcefully taken away from my problems, but what happens next after I discharge? Problems aren't going to solve themselves, escaping won't make them disappear too. So I refused. For once, I decided not to escape. It was hard. 

I'm not going to feed you sunshines and rainbow by saying things took a turn for the better after that. It did not. Haha, of course it did not. TIME, I fucking hate time. It distorts your sense of realism. Seconds feel like hours, days feel like minutes. And 2 months passed. 

I remember a social worker asked me this question while I was trying to apply for Medifund. She asked if my depression has gotten any better. I looked at her and said no, why would it get better? I just got used to it, I learn how to control them better though it could still be a disaster at times. But has it gotten better? No fucking way.

You know the idiom "every cloud has a silver lining"? Yes, I fucking hate that idiom. How am I suppose to think that maybe, maybe, if there's a God, and He does that because He has better plans for you. Please don't make me laugh, that can't be it. Is God a sadist?

My, my, how I would like to prove myself wrong. The switch in my brain flipped. Yes, I really do feel like there's a switch in my brain. Moments ago, I was some depressed moping shit. Seconds later, everything seems like it's possible. I felt like I could actually get through everything. I will get better, and I can endure change.

But there will always be this unsettling anxiety on when would the switch flip again. When would I start feeling depressed and everything is not worth living anymore. Oh God, please don't make me go through it again.

everything is done and dusted.

it's not worth living anymore.

好些夜晚前，我發現我在腦海裡記下我的最後一言。該寫給哪些人，說些什麼，提醒什麼之類的。之前都是用手機寫下，但那晚，不知有什麼勇氣，想說決定寫信。是因為第六感覺得即將告一段落，還是當下以覺得不再能比當下跟低落那死前最後的勇氣突如其來？

我最後還是沒寫下。

when would we ever know?

when we would ever know to stop loving, to stop hurting, to stop feeling, to stop feeding ourselves informations that would eventually eat us whole. humans are so much like moth, attracted to the danger and burn ourselves while at it.

such a painfully beautiful way to die, or self-destruct.

we would never know when to stop loving, for our love are overflowing, the bliss of being able to give keeps us alive.

we would never know when to stop hurting, for we test to see when we would break, how much we could hurt till it eventually meant nothing.

we would never know when to stop feeling, our main core of emotions, to feel to feel alive, but sometimes feeling alive makes you want to be dead instead.

we would never know when to stop feeding ourselves informations that would eventually eat us whole. why are we so self-destructive? because knowing means feeling, it means pain, it means being alive. so, so alive.

--

i don't know how to stop that from happening, there's too much at stake. a very good friend, my mental stability. some times, i do wonder why didn't i try, but just the thought was more that enough to make me shiver. it's too deep to see pass as that. maybe feelings are there, but if they are, i want them to be buried forever,

and he is like the moth, i'm the lamp. im no good for him, but he can't be helped to stay away from me, and destructive he goes.

what a pitiful moth.

never will

never thought that i would be keying another entry. it seems like i only write when i'm sad.

my sister told me about my junior's sister, how she's so actively involved in the theatre scene, acting gigs, yada yada, blah blah blah.

and then she mentioned that the sister had a blog explicitly writing about her struggles with depression and suicidal thoughts. now i'm listening.

i blog about my depression and make my suicide intention known too, but no one knows. well, at least not my sister. wonder when would i be comfortable displaying something so shun against.

next thing i know, i'm back to my waves of depression. the suicide thoughts hasn't really set in yet, but i could feel it creeping.



am i scared?



no, i'm used to it, though it's a dread to live through it again. makes me wonder when would i just snap.

was talking to my father earlier in the day and he mentioned that he only wants to live for 10 more years. he would be 63 then, and i might be fatherless by the age of 33.

or at least let me be dead by then. should make this a competition.

i can't live till 33, i don't want to.

god, just let me be dead. i want to see the people now mourning over my death. maybe only then would i feel appreciated.



especially v, maybe he would finally appreciate. maybe, never will.

lately

lately i've been asked,

"so what's your future plan? like 10 years, 5 years down the road. heck, even 1 year."

and i would always reply in the most normal way as possible,

"uh, i hope i would be financially independent, stop taking allowance from my father. hopefully i would still be in the film industry doing what i like."

"do i see myself with someone? yeah yeah, hopefully. hopefully it's still the same person."

i lied.

i lied big time.

that's not what i see myself in the future. fuck, i don't even want to look forward to that.

what i do look forward though, is that i will be dead 5 years down the road.

before i die, i would be doing odd jobs/freelance to feed myself day by day. with that money i will buy cigarettes and smoke till i cough, till my nicotine stained fingers can't rid of that burning smell. i will drink however much i want, no matter the day, the time.

i will travel with that money to wherever i want, alone, or maybe with a friend if they are like me. leaving lovers in every city, if, someone wants to love me.

and then i would disappear quietly.

do i want people to notice my absent? i sure do, but what's the point? what's the point when he doesn't notice it? i bet he wouldn't even remember me by then.

"wait, who? oh, her."

yeap, that's the future i'm totally looking forward to.

V

I miss you but I have to keep it in my heart.
I could have scream and shout the misses I have for you,
but I have to let you go, for us.
I could have held you on a little longer,
but what I was holding was a double edged sword.
It pains me to hold onto you,
but please trust me, it pains me even more to let you go.
Please, remember that, I loved you.

I miss you.

sanity, o, sanity

V is my last piece of sanity.

Yes, I did just blatantly put that out. Just like how people placed their happiness on another person, I placed my reason for living on a person whom I only knew/dated/saw/loved for 5 months.

A month into 2019 and everything that could have go wrong, went wrong. Things are getting more and more tiring for me. I had my days of hopeful living thinking that I'm gonna make changes, start a wellness journal, find a job, go out in the day more to absorb that vitamin D, but most are just loomed over my never ending gloomy thoughts, unpredictable changes, quarrels, and depression.

And there's V.

Sure, he contributes a fair share to my breakdowns but so far he has been the one holding me together. What we had was the only thing holding me. With him, I look forward to talking to him the next day, seeing his outfits, smoking with him, having him go bat shit protective when he knows I'm going to club. Telling me good morning and goodnight.

And then we took a break.

Our relationship is a toxic one. He's a lone wolf who likes to act upon his own, and I got a little too dependent on him for comfort. We were having the talk after a 3 weeks break, and he said something that goes like this:

"I would rather you heal now than later."

But who said I was going to heal?

Maybe if things happened a year early or a year later, I might have. However with all the new wounds created on me, who said I was going to heal?

If the day really comes where we end it for good, I would truly loss my sanity.




My chest hurts now, it feels as if something heavy is pressing on it.

Please, no more new year, just, stop

So, 2018 is coming to an end in 19 hours and 54 minutes. I feel so indifferent towards the new year, but at the same time I'm scared shitless. 2018 still has so many loose ends that I haven't tied up, and bringing such negative energy into 2019? Makes me feel like my 2019 is off to a bad start.

But like what V said, isn't new year just another day?

Right, it is just another day, but there's something about the calendar restarting that brings this overwhelming obligation to right the wrongs, to start anew, to leave the bad, be stupidly hopeful about mistakes that bound to happen over and over again. Right?

But I don't feel hopeful at all.

I'm beginning the year jobless, depressed, insert all the negative annotate you could ever think.

I can't even begin to string my thoughts and sentences anymore.

.

On being 22

Today, right at this moment when I post this, I’ve just turned 22. It’s no big deal, no fancy hotel celebration with tons of friends that I barely interact with. No gifts or well wishes or cakes, except for this Prima Deli $6 Banana cake that I bought which I’m going to light it with a single candle later, and finish it myself. No birthday sex, now that’s sad. 

Birthday has always been a no fuss for me, I don’t hate it, but I don’t like it either. It’s just another normal day out of 365 days a year has. It’s just another day isn’t it?

At least that’s what I wished. 

I made a big no big deal of it. 

Always felt empty when people whom I wish wished me didn’t, people who are suppose to remember forgot. People who I’m suppose to spent it with absent. I should’ve gotten used to it, but I never did. 

22 years of being on this Earth, miseries more than happiness, even caused me Depression and Anxiety. I hate being alive, hated it more than I hate being out of bed when I’m not suppose to, hated it more than I hate it when people remains foolish. 

So what have I gained from being alive for 22 years? Lessons, lessons, and more lessons to be dealt with. How many more can I go through? Honestly, I hope none anymore. 

Some research done by the Switzerland has shown that you’re 14% more likely to die on your birthday. This is done with 2.5 million records from 1969-2008. Even though there may be some inaccuracy to the research done, it kind of bring some comfort to me, to look forward to my next birthday, to look forward to dying. “Lived a full 22 years in self made misery.” People are just holding on to the day itself, as if it’s some achievement. 

Maybe being alive till now should be an achievement too, God knows how I’m able to hold on until now. I don’t even know it. It puzzles me too. 

I’ve no birthday wish, just hope that everything ends as it is. Hmm, happy birthday to me I guess. 

At least I wished myself on time. 

update on my mental

i'm going to be as candid as possible because no one is going to read this.

i'm not coping well.

i'm not coping well at all and it has reached the point where even breathing is a hassle. to a point where there won't be a day which i don't question my entire existence on this earth. is this an existential crisis? or am i so woke? does everything even matter anymore?

i've said in the previous post that i will be seeing a psychologist to get myself diagnosed. i got the diagnosis, and i am, in fact clinically depressed and is suffering from anxiety too. after whole fucking 5 years, i've finally put a name to whatever i've suffered. i feel kind of relieved, at the same time i feel so scared too.

i'm ending this here, i can't think anymore, i'm just trying to not give up.

on mental health

i've been leaving this in my notes for the longest time, contemplating whether to post it or not in fear of appearing attention-seeking. however, i've came to notice that my reaction is exactly the reason why i need to address this issue:

_________________________________________________________________________________

whenever i told someone that i would like to get help with diagnosing depression, the first question i will be asked would be, 

“why would you want to be diagnosed with depression?”, followed by the next one,

“are you sure you are depressed?”.

i get that there’s no ill-intention in the above question, but does my feelings need to be validated by you for me to count it as a possibility of depression?

a counsellor who i’ve seen awhile ago has asked me why would i want to be labelled as someone who is suffering from depression, i told her that it’s so because next time when i have one of my episodes, it would be easier for me to direct the cause to depression, rather than trying to think for the entire time why exactly am i sad, when will this sadness ends, would tonight be possibly the last time. because i can blame it on depression, i can look forward to get over the depressive episode.

“but people i’ve counselled wouldn’t want to be labelled as someone who’s suffering from depression.”

it got me really thinking, do i really want to be labelled as someone who’s suffering from depression? after all, depression is an illness and it’s not something where you could wear it proudly.

“…not something you could wear it proudly.”

i think i’ve found the reason why the people doesn’t want to be labelled as someone who’s suffering from depression, not because they are in denial of themselves having one, but rather it’s because they are in denial of other people accepting that they have depression. then i found this Quora answer which says exactly what i'm thinking:

you see people advocating that they are a survivor of breast cancer, survivor of this, survivor of that, but you have never seen someone coming out as a survivor of depression. that is because the society shuns away from talking about mental illness, mental illness to them is not as real as your other illness like cancer. it’s all in your mind and there’s no definite cure, and because there’s no definite cure, it could means it’s doesn’t exist. you can’t have an MRI scan to see the spreading of cancer cells. after all, it’s all in your mind, right?

another reason why no one wants to be labelled as someone suffering from depression is due to the media’s portray of them. i’ve been watching TV drama ever since i was a kid, specifically your local dramas about slices of life. time to time, you would come to see a side character who has some sort of mental illness. their portray of depressive people has been of someone who’s insanely mentally unstable, who can’t perform normal day-to-day duties, always a little bit too psychotic, or maybe a little too much of wanting to kill themselves as of now and then. i wouldn’t want to be diagnosed with any type of mental illness after watching these dramas, they are so insane. 

well it’s true that people with severe conditions would portray such extreme behaviours however, doesn’t applies to majority of the sufferers. most of them would still try to live their life as per normal, it’s just that some days, it would be harder than usual for us to get by. some days, maybe we would think it’s better for us to disappear, but we are not all as psychotic as how local drama has portray us as. we are normal people, just with more difficulties coping with what’s going in our mind.

i didn’t like how my counsellor initially brushed away the decision of me wanting to go to a professional for diagnose and opt for me to go for a counselling session instead. if i had wanted counselling and it actually helps, i wouldn’t be like what i am right now. i don’t need another human who tries to empathise my situation to tell me things will get better without going through whatever i’ve been through. i seek for help, however that’s not the help i wanted. someone out there will bound to disagree with my reason for not wanting to go through counselling session however, let us not push our own opinions onto another person but to be inclusive of each and everyones’. the world can’t function with everyone having the same mindset.

i will be seeing a psychologist soon, i do not know if i would want to be diagnosed as one, but whatever comes as it is.

2018

the sky of taipei that i loved so dearly, 2017 June

New year, new start? Or are we just trying to delude ourselves? The million dollar question on my mind whenever a new year starts. Why do people use new year as an excuse to start anew when everyday is a brand new start? Is it easier to abandon all wrongs and regrets of past year and start everything with a clean slate. However, just because a new year has starts, doesn't mean everything restarted, right?


Right, but doesn't matter, I fell for it anyway.


New year, new start.


There's no point complaining how bad of a year 2017 was for me since every year has been the same up till now. One thing for sure is that I've grown tremendously from those said lessons and I'm grateful for it. I could only hope 2018 is the year where I would push myself out of my comfort zone no matter how uncomfortable I may be.  I hope 2018 would be the year where I stand firm to my stand and am not easily swayed. I hope 2018 would be the year where I finally find my balance.


As bad as 2017 was, I sure did had some of the fondest memories. I've met a lot of amazing humans, but I've parted with a lot of them too. That's actually one of the lesson I've learnt and am still learning: to let go no matter how much I don't want to. My father once said to me the one thing he admire of me was how everything was an easy come and easy go for me. I couldn't see his reasoning back then but I guess I do see it now.


Ah, that's a sigh and enlightenment. To a better year, hopefully.

獻給這樣的夜晚

是否有這樣一個夜晚

心不知不覺沈沈的

在冰冷的床上翻來覆去

想睡卻睡不了

腦子所有的煩惱突然浮現

所有的後悔

犯過的錯誤

遺失的感覺

一一找回原主

是否有這樣一個夜晚

讓你想起以前美好的回憶

想起你自己以前其實是會笑

是會愛

與被愛

心 就隱隱作痛

為何

當初

早知

是否有這樣一個夜晚

就獻給這樣的夜晚

一步步 一步步 地走著 一幕幕 一幕幕 浮現了
沿途散落的天真 卻遍地開成花了 原來我 心理的太陽 還熱著
一年年 一念念 死去了 一篇篇 一片片 也都碎了
曾經為黑暗所困 也曾經差一點就離開了 可當你唱和那一瞬 才終於明白了什麼

我還是在這裡 唱著歌 是你 陪著我 唱著歌
好怕 自己對著殘酷默認 好怕 自己眼眶不再濕熱 可是有你拼湊著 我的心才得以 完整

一年年 一年年 流轉著 我盡可能 抵抗著 配遺忘的 所有可能
來不及告別的人啊 我要守住我們的緣分 就算光影再曲折 相信有天你會聽見

我還是在這裡 唱著歌 是你 陪著我 唱過的歌
哪怕 世界總有太多抉擇 哪怕生命經歷再多轉折 那些共有的青春 是不會輕易被抹去的

我還是在這裡 唱著歌 我相信 你會一直陪著我 唱著歌
也許 我不過是歷史一瞬 可是 你讓我見證了永恆

不要放棄 要好好活著

其實你可以輸給任何人 沒什麼好爭 這一切只是過程 遺憾都是美好養分
你的快樂不快樂 說穿一切都只是選擇

我還是在這裡 唱著歌 和你 一直在這裡 唱著歌
哪怕 現實總是太過殘忍 那怕時間終究帶走你了
我還是在這裡 一直在這裡 用生命為你

2016's Reflection

I have neglected this space for so so so long. I was busy, and too tired to do anything about this. But now that I finally have the time to sit down and think through things, it shall be the time. Let's make this the reflection post for 2016.

2016 started out great for me, till everything started to crumble and fall apart. And as I'm a fucking Libra (quoting Adore from Drag Race heh), to not have my life be balanced, it totally threw me off and away. My life literally went downwards.

I was, actually still am, going through a break up. It has been 9 months since then, shock me pretty badly to know that it has been 9 months since then. Everything ended on a pretty bad note because I have absolute no idea how to deal with emotions, not my own, not even his. I became cold and numb and devoted myself entirely to school work. It's only when the semester finally ended, which then I have the time to think through everything. By then, everything was too late. I was too late.

It was the worst period of my life, I don't even have any idea if I'm still going through this period. I was sad, depressed, and never went through a day without tears, never went through the day without having my eyes swollen from all the crying. I sink deeper and deeper into my sadness, to the point where I could just break down and cry even in the public.

Then school started. I devoted myself entirely into school work again. I think I meant to have a life of a workaholic because being busy just makes me so happy. Even though there were times when I was stress, but being stress is better than being sad. I'm so happy that I was stress. I got close to people who I never thought I could get close to, they have now become some of the closest friends that I ever had. They were there for me through my ups but mostly down, I know things about them that they have never disclose to anyone.

But even when school has started, things wasn't taking a better turn. Situations happened at home and I was badly shook by it. Seeing some stuffs has just made me realised that how much I actually do care about my loved ones even though most of the times I was just annoyed by them. The situation has inspired me to write a film which was supposedly meant for my final year project. Shit happened and it was translated earlier to the screen than I would like to. Film wasn't entirely reflecting what I intend it to be, but still, it is my film (even tho some shit happened and I wasn't the one who wrote the story).

I went back to the online dating world. Partly the reason why I wasn't as sad as I was during the break was because of the people there. There's just something about talking to strangers, because none of us has met each other before, so the conversation will start with us trying to know each other. Whereas friends, they would know what's going on with your life, and it just gets harder to not talk about certain things.

Now, back to the reason why I'm typing this. I felt like I lived my life in amnesia for the past few months, because everything just came flooding back, all the memories, all the forgotten feelings, everything. And I think it's time where I should treat myself better. To let go of whatever that left, and to fully embrace whatever has to come. Living in the past may seem a little easier for me to breathe, but what is life if everything was easy.


Forsan miseros meliora sequentur.

酒後吐真情

酒後吐真言。我不完全信，我覺得，酒後吐真感情。

人，隨時都可以吐真言，但是是我們的表情出賣了我們。

我一直在想，為什麼喝了酒之後，事情比較容易說。

也許是應為酒精麻了我們的感情。

或者是酒精，搗亂了我們的感官。

它讓我們放下自己的自尊，我們的羞澀。

卸下我們防備，我們的疑問。

雖然它讓我們感到瘋狂，但它是我們的舒緩。

P.s. 我是在喝了酒之後

但是我現在酒醒了

How to love me

Please do not be afraid when I read your message and did not reply

I may just be busy at the moment but I still have you in my mind.

Please do not doubt my love when we have a cold war

I still very much love you but I need to cool down from the rage.

Please do not stop talking to me when I do not talk to you 

I may just be waiting for you to make the move first.

Please do not give up on us when I ask for a break

I will still come back to you when everything is balanced again.