never will

never thought that i would be keying another entry. it seems like i only write when i'm sad.

my sister told me about my junior's sister, how she's so actively involved in the theatre scene, acting gigs, yada yada, blah blah blah.

and then she mentioned that the sister had a blog explicitly writing about her struggles with depression and suicidal thoughts. now i'm listening.

i blog about my depression and make my suicide intention known too, but no one knows. well, at least not my sister. wonder when would i be comfortable displaying something so shun against.

next thing i know, i'm back to my waves of depression. the suicide thoughts hasn't really set in yet, but i could feel it creeping.



am i scared?



no, i'm used to it, though it's a dread to live through it again. makes me wonder when would i just snap.

was talking to my father earlier in the day and he mentioned that he only wants to live for 10 more years. he would be 63 then, and i might be fatherless by the age of 33.

or at least let me be dead by then. should make this a competition.

i can't live till 33, i don't want to.

god, just let me be dead. i want to see the people now mourning over my death. maybe only then would i feel appreciated.



especially v, maybe he would finally appreciate. maybe, never will.