lately

lately i've been asked,

"so what's your future plan? like 10 years, 5 years down the road. heck, even 1 year."

and i would always reply in the most normal way as possible,

"uh, i hope i would be financially independent, stop taking allowance from my father. hopefully i would still be in the film industry doing what i like."

"do i see myself with someone? yeah yeah, hopefully. hopefully it's still the same person."

i lied.

i lied big time.

that's not what i see myself in the future. fuck, i don't even want to look forward to that.

what i do look forward though, is that i will be dead 5 years down the road.

before i die, i would be doing odd jobs/freelance to feed myself day by day. with that money i will buy cigarettes and smoke till i cough, till my nicotine stained fingers can't rid of that burning smell. i will drink however much i want, no matter the day, the time.

i will travel with that money to wherever i want, alone, or maybe with a friend if they are like me. leaving lovers in every city, if, someone wants to love me.

and then i would disappear quietly.

do i want people to notice my absent? i sure do, but what's the point? what's the point when he doesn't notice it? i bet he wouldn't even remember me by then.

"wait, who? oh, her."

yeap, that's the future i'm totally looking forward to.