phase 2

finally, i have the time to sit down and think and write.

previously, i wanted to sit down and type about the situation with circuit breaker. however, i lose my thought on that. then came new problems.

i have been staying at my friend's place for close to a week. reason was that i got chased out by my father. it's a series against the next, root of all problem is money, money, money.

m o n e y .

i had always painted my father in a relatively good light: a sacrificing family man.

it's without a doubt that he sacrifices a lot for this family. from when he's abled, to partially disabled. he has been sacrificing, and i'm eternally grateful for that.

however, there's always ying to yang.

i forgot the incident when i was 17 years old, i forgot the countless times he fought and called the police on my mother, i forgot how he was an addict even when im 16.

i forgot how good, yet flawed he is.

i forgot that they are humans of themselves before being a parent for me.

that being said, i was very taken aback with all the words my father spewed at me. i talked to a friend of mine regarding this incident and he said to me that people often says the nastiest things when they are in a rage of fury, and they don't mean what they say at that moment. 

so i left home, on his command.

day later, my sister came to me and told me what my mother said:

"reflect on what you said, and don't regret them."

people are so quick to fight when they are angry, and try to mend it up with "sorry" afterwards. if fights are so easily resolved with just an apology, this world would be filled with murderers.

however, my friend also said:

"no matter how hard it is, how wrong he is, forgive him."

i told him eventually, but not now. he needs to know the degree of damage his words did. i got very disgusted when my siblings told me that he wants me to go home. i'm just so very disgusted with how fast people change and turn against. why can't they stick to their narrative for a bit longer? it's hard for me to keep up and process this ever-changing narratives.

i'm still moving out at the end of the day, because that's what i've been planning all the while. part of me wants my father to suffer for his action, another part of me just can't be bothered at this point.

i'm just so tired. let me live/leave easily.