Another update you totally should not care

Hi. I will start off by saying it is a very depressing 2 months for me. Yes, "is", because it's still ongoing. There were some very major events happening in my life, that being: 

1. I lost my job

2. I lost a person whom I love very, very much

3. My mother still outwardly shows that she's biased against me

4. My uncle died

5. My friend changed into another person I don't know anymore

All these happened in the span of 2 months. I wasn't given the chance to properly digest everything, no breathing room for me at all. On top of battling with my own demons that's in my mind, I had to deal with the above 5. I was exhausted, tired, empty, so exhausted. There isn't a day I don't think about killing myself. I would very much love to die. I even had plans: drowning, overdosing, jumping off a building. Whatever ways you could think of, I think of doing it. I even started to think about writing my last words, and who to address it.

I'm exhausted beyond words. I remember my psychiatrist said that when there's down, there's always an up. And I asked, how down could it get? I feel like I'm at my rock bottom but things just prove me wrong. It could get even worse than before. I was given the choice to admit into IMH again due to my suicidal tendency. I would love to admit into the ward and be forcefully taken away from my problems, but what happens next after I discharge? Problems aren't going to solve themselves, escaping won't make them disappear too. So I refused. For once, I decided not to escape. It was hard. 

I'm not going to feed you sunshines and rainbow by saying things took a turn for the better after that. It did not. Haha, of course it did not. TIME, I fucking hate time. It distorts your sense of realism. Seconds feel like hours, days feel like minutes. And 2 months passed. 

I remember a social worker asked me this question while I was trying to apply for Medifund. She asked if my depression has gotten any better. I looked at her and said no, why would it get better? I just got used to it, I learn how to control them better though it could still be a disaster at times. But has it gotten better? No fucking way.

You know the idiom "every cloud has a silver lining"? Yes, I fucking hate that idiom. How am I suppose to think that maybe, maybe, if there's a God, and He does that because He has better plans for you. Please don't make me laugh, that can't be it. Is God a sadist?

My, my, how I would like to prove myself wrong. The switch in my brain flipped. Yes, I really do feel like there's a switch in my brain. Moments ago, I was some depressed moping shit. Seconds later, everything seems like it's possible. I felt like I could actually get through everything. I will get better, and I can endure change.

But there will always be this unsettling anxiety on when would the switch flip again. When would I start feeling depressed and everything is not worth living anymore. Oh God, please don't make me go through it again.