I have neglected this space for so so so long. I was busy, and too tired to do anything about this. But now that I finally have the time to sit down and think through things, it shall be the time. Let's make this the reflection post for 2016.
2016 started out great for me, till everything started to crumble and fall apart. And as I'm a fucking Libra (quoting Adore from Drag Race heh), to not have my life be balanced, it totally threw me off and away. My life literally went downwards.
I was, actually still am, going through a break up. It has been 9 months since then, shock me pretty badly to know that it has been 9 months since then. Everything ended on a pretty bad note because I have absolute no idea how to deal with emotions, not my own, not even his. I became cold and numb and devoted myself entirely to school work. It's only when the semester finally ended, which then I have the time to think through everything. By then, everything was too late. I was too late.
It was the worst period of my life, I don't even have any idea if I'm still going through this period. I was sad, depressed, and never went through a day without tears, never went through the day without having my eyes swollen from all the crying. I sink deeper and deeper into my sadness, to the point where I could just break down and cry even in the public.
Then school started. I devoted myself entirely into school work again. I think I meant to have a life of a workaholic because being busy just makes me so happy. Even though there were times when I was stress, but being stress is better than being sad. I'm so happy that I was stress. I got close to people who I never thought I could get close to, they have now become some of the closest friends that I ever had. They were there for me through my ups but mostly down, I know things about them that they have never disclose to anyone.
But even when school has started, things wasn't taking a better turn. Situations happened at home and I was badly shook by it. Seeing some stuffs has just made me realised that how much I actually do care about my loved ones even though most of the times I was just annoyed by them. The situation has inspired me to write a film which was supposedly meant for my final year project. Shit happened and it was translated earlier to the screen than I would like to. Film wasn't entirely reflecting what I intend it to be, but still, it is my film (even tho some shit happened and I wasn't the one who wrote the story).
I went back to the online dating world. Partly the reason why I wasn't as sad as I was during the break was because of the people there. There's just something about talking to strangers, because none of us has met each other before, so the conversation will start with us trying to know each other. Whereas friends, they would know what's going on with your life, and it just gets harder to not talk about certain things.
Now, back to the reason why I'm typing this. I felt like I lived my life in amnesia for the past few months, because everything just came flooding back, all the memories, all the forgotten feelings, everything. And I think it's time where I should treat myself better. To let go of whatever that left, and to fully embrace whatever has to come. Living in the past may seem a little easier for me to breathe, but what is life if everything was easy.
Forsan miseros meliora sequentur.
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