Amidst of all my assignments that are due next week (FML), I choose to post because something heavy has been placed on my shoulder, or mind, or heart, or my windpipe, it's so hard to breathe.
Well, this is still my hideaway, but I had taken into consideration that people will read and judge me over how poorly my languages and thoughts are structured, or rather how superficial I am on some level. I mean, it's almost reaching 11k views now.
I started off 2015 with a high note, and in life, what goes up must come down, so as you would have guessed, it's crumbling down, at a rather fast speed.
My assignments are piling, I don't even know if I would cope with all those new knowledges. I even doubt my choice, should I even return to school, should I transfer course blah blah blah. Well, at least I could deal with it my submitting my assignments timely. Not for the other shit in life.
One of my biggest weakness of all is that, although I may seem aloof or anti-social, I do care about my feelings and the people around me. I just don't voice it out as easily as other could. As straight as my face could be, the me inside is all tearing apart. As quiet as I could be, the voice inside my head is even louder than the construction works that happens in my area every damn morning.
I do sometimes question myself on why do I keep on pushing people away. On first thought, I thought I'm selfish, I pushed people away because they are not going to do any good for me. I feel like they could embarrass me anytime. It's either I leave them now or I pick up my face later. I feel so disgusted by my selfishness.
Then, on the second thought, it's because I want to stop them from getting hurt. Because I'm selfish, I'm brutally blunt, I'm inconsiderate, I'm aloof, I don't place kinship or friendship in any of my priorities. People should stay away from me, and the only way they could stay away from me is by me staying away them.
I don't bother to forge any friendship with my new classmates. I don't bother to ask my existing friends their day, I don't bother to strike a conversation, I don't bother to make any eye contact with anyone.
I'm totally fine with it. Because I know it's for the best of me and for them, no one gets hurt.
However, time and again I was wrong.
I was hurt, they were hurt too.
They would be indirectly telling me they are hurt so badly through their tweets or whatever way they feel that they could connect to me. I, on the other hand, will be found hiding myself, pretending to be leading a hectic life, a life so hectic that I am not able to care for anything.
Don't be fooled. I'm so damn affected by my actions. I couldn't even do my work with a peace of mind. I would be worrying about so much thing. I know I could do something to ease that anxiousness, I want to comfort them, but then, my logical thinking would get to me.
This is the best way to stay wound-free, for you, for everyone around you.
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The load seems to have lifted off for a bit, I'm off to sacrificing my sleep for my assignments and GPA.
I'm sorry if I hurt you in any way, please know that this is for the best of us.
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